Happy Birthday, Beautiful Sabine. This photo was taken a couple days ago, and there's about an hour left of your birthday. We had a very special puppy party for you, since your PASSION is dogs ... you squeal and laugh at the mere sight of a dog. You scream WOOF WOOF! every time you see a dog when we're in the car. If a dog walks by us, no matter where we are, you stop whatever it is we were doing and RUN to the dog. No doubt about it, you are a dog person! Even though I haven't written here for months (my dad had a massive heart attack and life changed tremendously for our family) I still come here and read and re-read and contemplate all that has happened to bring you into our lives. You are the icing on the Saunders' cake. Your sweet disposition and amazing bravery is a wonder to behold. I love you with all my heart - you are such a treasure and a dream come true, Sabine. You and Sonora are the joys of my life and answer to every prayer <3 I can't wait to see what each day will bring and I am amazed at all you are learning. I know with all my heart you will grow into an astonishing woman who will be secure and strong. Happy Second Birthday, Sweet Sabine!

SHE IS OURS!

Today, November 30, 2011, at the Lamoreaux Courthouse in Orange, CA, Sabine Cosette "officially" became a Saunders. Sabine's adoption is FINAL! We three Saunders ladies all wore black with white polka dots, we chatted up the judge, we were the first family in, and when we came out, the rest of the crowd *all waiting their turn* cheered. It was the most amazing moment, realizing we all had a journey, we all had a story of what brought us through the process. We began the first step on October 26, 2005, so it's been a little over 6 years to complete the process. People say good things come to those who wait. I say, great things come to those who persevere. Miracles happen to those who seek God. I am so thankful for every leg of our adoption journey. I had to stop by here tonight before the clock struck 12. I know by the time I post, it will be a couple minutes past. I won't have pictures to add to this post until later, but I needed closure on the longest ordeal of my life (so far) and I wouldn't change a thing. God, THANK YOU for our daughters Sonora and Sabine. Thank You that I gave birth to one and adopted the other. Thank You for everything that happened in YOUR perfect timing, which I will never understand, but will always trust. I can't believe it's finally over ... we are no longer "that couple who is adopting a baby." We're just Sonora and Sabine's parents, aka Daniel and Antoniette.

Happy Birthday, Baby of Mine ... Sonora, I love you!

There are some things in life you never forget. I remember the night before Sonora was born vividly, because I knew she was coming the next day. I knew to say goodbye one last time to her, I knew it would be my last night of feeling her kick. I remember the excitement of knowing I could finally hold her. Here it is, exactly 4 years later. Tomorrow, Sonora will be 4 years old. I still feel excited when I hold her. I still love to smell her hair, just like when she was a newborn. I still kiss all her boo boos. I still gasp if she trips or falls. I still sing baby mine to her at least once a day. I never get tired of doing her hair. I sometimes wish she would take the volume down a notch ... okay, more than sometimes, but I am so thankful for her confidence. Sonora is a big sister now. She is the BEST big sister in the world, in my opinion. I think for only having 3 hours notice, she has adapted beautifully. I see so many potentials for Sonora. I watch her interact with people, I watch her logical mind, I hear her sing and see her dance and I love her imagination that runs incredibly wild a few times each day. My beautiful Sonora. I can't even say enough wonderful things about you. Happy Birthday, my precious, amazing daughter. I love you forever and ever past the moon. *she would add here, "mama, I love you past God." Bless you tomorrow, and every day!

XOXO Mommy <3

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Sabine!

One year ago tonight, this was the scene. Daniel asleep, Sonora asleep. There was the guy riding the machine that polishes the floor and the lights were out in the lobby of the hospital.

I had just dropped off baby things at my sister-in-law's house for a garage sale. I didn't believe our attempt at adoption would come to fruition.

A couple minutes after 8pm, I got a phone call from Daniel saying we needed to get right to the hospital, a birth mother was in labor and we needed to be there, she wanted us to bond with the baby immediately.

We scrambled to get the carseat out of the back of the garage, under the stairs. I said, "get the bassinet ready, just in case."  I remember telling Daniel, "I can totally picture God using us to spare another family from the heartache of when they decide to keep the baby. I am okay with that, but did it have to be so late at night?" I honestly couldn't imagine that this would be "it" and we would finally get the baby we had been waiting for, praying for over the last 5 years.

My friend Ashley and I googled names on the internet. We already used our number one name choice on Sonora. We already decided if it was a boy, his name would be Everett Landon. If it was a girl, I always loved the name Sabine, but had no middle name. What about Jean val Jean's daughter in Les Mis? Cosette? I loved that name, and I love that she was his beloved adopted daughter, and it ended in "ette" like my name. Sonora's middle name, Adeline, is the letters of Daniel's name rearranged, so Cosette seemed perfect.

At 4:05, she was born. The director of the adoption agency was in the room during the birth. She said it was the first time that was ever asked of her. She came to the Lobby immediately and said, "would you like to meet your daughter?" At 4:25, we were already up in NICU.

She was only 20 minutes old when we first laid eyes on her. She was quiet, soft, gentle, tiny, petite. Only 6 pounds 14 oz, but she packed a wallop in the love department. I was stunned. She was stunning. I couldn't believe she was mine. Immediately upon first glance through the mini blinds before we even got to walk in the room, I felt the warmth in my heart and the confirmation that she was indeed, my baby girl. I knew she was coming home with us. I knew she was ours.

Sonora was enamoured with her, she still is. Our lives are changed forever. I am still in a bit of shock. Now, shock that this first year has flown by so fast. We only had 3 hours notice before we got to the hospital, and then only about 4 hours after that. This surprise, this amazing gift from God will be one year old in less than 12 hours. Right now, a year ago, I had no idea. Now, a year later, I still am amazed at all God has brought us through. Ashley happened to call me tonight and she will be here in a little bit. I am so happy to be able to reminisce with her about our adventure, the adventure of a lifetime. One minute, we were standing in Tommy's parking lot deciding what to eat, the next moment, we were rushing to the hospital to meet Sabine for the first time. Sabine has enchanted me with her amazing hugs, smiles and cheerful disposition. She adores her daddy and can't get enough of her big sister. She has beautifully blended with our family and is the icing on the cake as far as being a parent. I am so blessed by her.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Sabine ... I love you forever!

XXXOOO,

Mommy

1 more month.

One more month and Sabine's adoption should be final.

One more month and Sabine will be 1 year old so that means a PARTY!

One more month and I will have a letter completed to Sabine's birth parents letting them know how much we love her and how I think of them every day.

One more month and the International Food Festival I have been working so hard to make a success will be over.

One more month and I will be planning Sonora's fourth birthday party.

One more month and I will be wondering what to do for Daniel's 40th birthday!

I barely feel I can make it through the week, much less one more month.

I look at everyone with grown kids and think, "how did they manage?" I don't just want to manage, I want to be a raging success. I want my girls to know joy, and love and peace and hope. I want to equip them to face all that the world will throw at them, and I want them to throw a little back! I want them to both be independant and secure. I want them to learn the value of volunteering and giving to those in need. I want them to always show grace to others. I want so much for them, both. But for right now, I am going to get through this one month.

Summer

She sees everything ...

Today was a rough day for us. 3 of us sick. Everyone tired. Daniel and I finally talking about some things we needed to talk about but haven't had the time to. Sonora just sat at the kitchen table coloring and Sabine was constantly fussing as we tried to get through a normal conversation, but couldn't even finish a sentence. It was so frustrating. I am purely exhausted. Still, it's late and I wanted to look back at when we got Sabine and see how much she's changed over the last 7 months. I came across these photos that I never noticed before. There were a bunch of photos that Sonora took. It was just us in the room for 3 days. These 2 pictures say a lot. They were taken at 9:08 AM and Sabine was exactly 5 hours old. We had been up since early the day before and were about to start the waiting vigil to see if her birthparents would sign the relinquishment papers. I look at this photo and I remember feeling uneasy when Sonora asked when we could take the baby home. We called her Sabine right from the start, but it was so unfamiliar to us. With Sonora, we had at least 5 months practice after we found out she was a girl. We said goodnight Sonora every night and prayed with her before she ever came out. With Sabine, we prayed for her for years, not knowing she would be a girl or what her name would be. I remember being surprised that they would not give us any snacks in that room because the room was technically for the baby. Here I had a 3 year old and we were occupying the room, but they told us they were not allowed to offer us drinks or food since the baby didn't belong to us yet. I was thinking about how were we going to get diapers and formula. Daniel was set to start a new job on Monday and these photos were taken Thursday morning. So much was going through my head. I would have never imagined the lengths my friends would go to just to help us provide for this little one who came with such short notice. I am humbled when I look at these photos and think about how God would give this almost 50 year old woman with tired eyes 2 little baby girls to raise. How? I still wonder, but I trust Him. Sabine was so new, and so foreign to me. Now she is so familiar and such a part of my existence. I still am in awe of how she came into our lives and how much I can love her, even though I didn't give birth to her. I have to say though, I almost feel that I dreamt her into existence. That's how much she belongs with me. And Sonora, well, she sees everything. She sees so much that she doesn't talk about. These pictures are proof. She captured the moment ... exhausted Daniel sleeping, me wondering, and Sabine trusting us to be her new family.

Sometimes ...

Sometimes, I like to cuddle them until they fall asleep and stroke their foreheads while I hold them tight. Sometimes, I am so thankful when they both fall asleep in the car on the way home so I can carry them up, one at a time, and lay them in their bed and crib. I love not having to tell Sonora, "shhhhh, sissy's sleeping." Sometimes, I love watching them play with each other. I love seeing Sabine light up when Sonora comes at her. I love listening to the songs Sonora makes up for her. I run for my camera and barely make it in time to chronicle the beauty of their new, budding relationship as sisters.

Sometimes, I can't wait to be with either of them alone, so I can focus on them, one at a time. I love to teach them at their own level. I love pushing Sonora to new levels and watching her stretch herself. I love remembering Sonora when she was Sabine's age. I love learning how different Sabine is than Sonora and I love falling in love with her anew. Sometimes, I can't wait to do things as a family, like drive to church together, go to the park together, go to Disneyland. I really enjoy having Daniel with me so we can laugh together at them, so we can be full of pride when people come up to us (and they always do) and tell us what beautiful girls we have. I love that he can help me with one so I can include the other and vice verse. I love being able to care for the one that is crying or hurt knowing he is there and has my back. Sometimes, I miss being alone with Daniel so much that it makes me cry when I am in the shower so the girls can't hear me. I miss just hugging him, or being held and feeling protected, instead of always being the protector of the little ones while he is gone working 2 jobs. I can't remember the last time I laid on the couch with my feet in his lap while we watched something on TV.Sonora thinks her permanent position in life is between us and Sabine hasn't left our side for 6 months. Daniel is only home on Sundays. I love my girls, but sometimes, I just plain miss my husband. Sometimes, I feel like I can conquer the world with all the love I have and all the energy I feel. I have so much hope and peace and joy. Sometimes, I feel like I wish God would just come and take us all home, because I have so much pain, and get so discouraged and exhausted. Sometimes, I think I am the most blessed person in the world.
Sometimes, I think I could use a little more blessings. All the time, no matter what, I am thankful to God for all He has done in my life and all He has brought me through, in the past, now and what's to come. I can't believe, sometimes, how my life is and I wonder where it's headed.

A Merry Saunders Christmas

I still don't beleive it. I know they are both here, I know they are both mine. I feed them, I bathe them, I stay up at night with them, believe me, I know all of that ... it's just, well, when I think about it, and all we went through, it's still such a miracle to me. So many people take having babies for granted. Not me. Not ever. Thank you God, for my two beautiful daughters. I am still in awe.

No Idea

I had no idea that I could fall in love for the first time again ... one more time! I had no idea that anyone other than Sonora could melt my heart and make me sing silly songs about her. I had no idea that I could love another baby with all of my heart, but it happened. Sabine, you are also, my treasure!

I never could have imagined!

The same, but different ...

I looked at her for the first time, and it was a sweeping emotion that I can only describe as "familiar." I saw Sabine there in the incubator, and my heart leapt. I began taking pictures outside the NICU in between the slats of the blinds that were closed shut for privacy. Sonora was asleep and we were able to bring her in, which is a miracle in and of itself, if you know anything about hospital labor and delivery wings. I got to be the first person to hold her, which I didn't get to do with Sonora. I told Sabine right away that Jesus loves her, He died on a cross for her so that she could live forever with Him in heaven and that He has a perfect plan for her life. I let her know that He knew all along this moment would come and He formed her while she was in the womb and He knew her name before the beginning of time.

My house is in chaos right now. Sonora is screaming at me from upstairs, it's late at night and I am sure the neighbors who don't know how much we love her think we are somehow torturing her by pulling out her toenails one by one. I am so sick, I have not had a moment to breathe. I went to the doctors alone today with my 2 girls because Daddy hasn't been able to take any time off from his new job that he started yesterday, and he feels he needs to work the second job as well. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to describe what we are going through. I wanted so much to write to Sabine and let her know all the intimate details of how we feel about having her join our family, our loving, caring family that from outside the doors and windows probably sounds like a modern day torture chamber. I can't. I am so upset at being sick, not having a minute to think, or do or just be. Daniel is sick as well. He isn't doing well under the pressure of a new job and the demands of our sick family. We need relief. I know we can't be the only family who has ever been through this. Honest to God, I can't believe how so much is the same ... the tired, the joy, the anticipation, the newness, the miraculous aspects of everything, but how much is different just because of our circumstances, being sick, Daniel working so many hours, and having a demanding 2 year old on top of me at all times. I love my life. I am trying hard to not let the fact that it isn't peaceful right now get to me. I wanted it all to blend seemlessly. I could have just sucked it up and wrote all the pretty, but that would be denying my own existence, which needs truth like oxygen. I will get to it, I will get to the scrapbook making, the cookie baking, the tea parties, the love letters to both my girls, but apparently when I sat down tonight thinking it would just take a minute, Sonora had other plans and it was the wrong minute. I hope when I go upstairs, Daniel isn't too upset for lack of sleep. I know tomorrow is a new day and I actually look forward to getting it right ... the attitude, the blog post, the hope. For now, I will just try and sleep as much as I can between feedings and diaper changes and pray that Sonora won't resent Sabine for intruding on her perfect life.

And baby makes 4!

Eye crossing exhaustion. I last slept on Tuesday night. Got the calls on Wednesday and have been up ever since. Everyone else is sleeping in our home, but I wanted to work on Sabine's birth announcement and have it up. I had months to prepare Sonora's before she was born so all I had to do was insert the photo. I did this tonight and wanted to share our sweet Sabine with everyone. Doing a ridiculous amount of laundry ... totally forgot about that part! She is an absolute dream. So sweet, quiet, precious ... just an absolute angel from God. THANK YOU to everyone who's been sending us formula and diapers, we are humbled and overwhelmed with gratefulness at how God is using you all to provide for us while Daniel prepares to start his new job on Monday. *No time off for baby* We're happy to have visitors. We are blessed and amazed at how this all turned out ... can't believe it took 5 years and even a pregnancy in between, but our little baby is now home and we can't praise God enough!!! Like I said on Facebook, our cups overflow!

Welcome little baby ...

Dear Precious Baby,

I wanted to take a moment to write to you and let you know how excited we are to meet you. We were just called a little over an hour ago and told that you are on your way and your first mommy is in labor at the hospital. We are shocked and surprised, since we just found out about you this morning, but know forever in your heart that we have been praying for you and preparing for you for years and years. More importantly, God has formed you from before time and knows you by name, and loves you very much. You are not a mistake, but a miracle and you are wanted and loved very much.

If you end up in our home within the next couple of days, know that you will have a mommy and daddy who will adore you to pieces, and an adorable big sister who can't wait to love you and hold you and kiss you and play with you! We can't wait to meet you. Right now, we're getting a carseat ready for you, the bassinet ready for you and formula and diapers and all the little things you will need to make your life comfortable, but better than all of that, you will have loving arms to hold you and hearts that have a special place already waiting for you to live in. If you end up staying with your first mommy, you will be born into a large family that will for sure be glad that you got to stay with them. Either way, I know that God has your best interest at heart and He is watching out for you and preparing the way for your arrival any minute now!

Hoping to meet you very VERY soon!!!

A 5-year pregnancy?

Well, next month will mark the anniversary of the beginning of our adoption voyage. We are ending the 5th year of waiting for baby Saunders to come into our lives. We have seen babies come and babies go. We have added a baby Saunders to our family without adoption. We have seen miracles and watched God move in amazing ways. We have prayed SOOO many prayers, taken SOOO many steps of faith and are now wondering if it has all come down to this:

We are the ONLY couple in the running for a baby that will be born within the next 2 weeks!

Yes, unless the parents change their mind within 24 hours after the birth, we will come home with a baby straight from the hospital! We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. We just took out what's left of the baby items and were ready to give away ... the crib, the play-yard, the bassinet, the stroller and infant carseat. We took down the box of bottles that we saved ready to try to sell at a garage sale we're having this weekend. We purged purged purged. I said, as I was emotionally letting go of the last remnants of hope, "well Lord, YOU will HAVE to provide for this baby if we get it, because we don't have anything left." I think the message all along is how much He provides, regardless of my preparation and my planning.

We are in the middle of trying to put an offer on a one-story home and trying to sell the condo. Daniel will start a new job on Sept 13th, so we will be in between paychecks. We are at our lowest point, financially, in our entire 13 year marriage. And NOW? Really? Now is when a baby comes for us??

When Daniel told me, my spirit jumped and I began crying as I was driving with Sonora to bible study in Orange. We have some details that I won't share on this blog until everything is final. One thing for sure, there IS a baby, we ARE the only couple it will go to, unless the birthparents change their mind and keep it, which, as you all know, in my opinion, should never be a bad thing.

So, baby boy or baby girl ... here we are waiting for the phone call telling us to come and pick you up!!! Please keep our family in your prayers, you have never let us down in that area, friends!!!

PS ... anyone with infant baby diapers that their baby grew out of, please feel free to pass on to us ... we will certainly appreciate them!

I don't know why I get to see all of this joy. I don't know why I happen to be at the right place at the right time ... almost every time, with my camera. It doesn't feel like work, documenting this sweet little life that God gave me to watch over. I am so blessed and so thankful that I get to love her and watch her grow. I get to laugh along with her and get excited for her when she slides down a slide with her best friend. I could do this all day long, every single day ... enjoy her, take photos of her and then tell everyone about it. Sometimes there is so much happy inside of me I just can't contain it. THANK YOU GOD for these moments in life that help me get through the tough stuff!

Tears and Cheers

I rushed to the computer just now with high emotions, actually a few tears. No, we did not get the baby boy. In fact, Daniel found out we were being shown to 2 birthmothers this week and both decided to keep their children. We found out yesterday.

I have other reasons for my tears ... I sat Sonora in front of the TV. We had a great morning together, we read, we played, she took her medicine for the little rash spot on the back of her head and then asked for some breakfast. I made her a scrambled egg and said she could eat breakfast in front of the TV. We never do that, we always eat breakfast at the table across from each other. Well, I put the eggs before her and went to the fridge to pour her a glass of orange juice and I hear a faint, "God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food. By His hands we all are fed, thank You Lord for our daily bread. Amen. Yay Jesus. Oh, and thank You for Miss Antoniette who made this food for us today, in Jesus HOOOOOOOOOOOOly name, AAAAy-men."

This isn't a new thing~ her praying. In fact, she has commandeered dinner tables across the county and led groups and parties of people in prayer before. Everyone thinks it's cute, but I have been watching her and noticing she likes the attention, she likes the accolades and is always proud of herself when she is done. This time, she touched my heart because she was all alone as far as she knew, nobody heard except her and God. She thanked him for food and for me and it was just between her and God. Nobody else to impress, or perform for. I know she is only 2 and a half, but I cheer inside for her obedience to praying before meals. My heart is full, my cup is overflowing.

Afraid to even hope this time ...

Baby Boy born already. Don't know the date or time. Daniel said the birthmom wants one picture a month the first year, then one photo a year afterwards. She doesn't want visitation, but is willing to meet the child later in life. Daniel got the call yesterday afternoon while he was at work. He called me right away. I was at the Pizza Port at Disneyland with Sonora, Charlene and Sierra and Luis. He didn't ask all the questions I would have asked. We can know as soon as Monday if the birthmother chooses us. We could actually go pick up Sonora's little brother on Monday if he is already in foster care. Will update asap. Trying to remain neutral, but it is so hard.

No Baby Girl for us ...

It's amazing what 6 days of hope and then a 3 minute phone call with rejection can do to your emotions.

Our situation has not changed since last Wednesday, we are still alive, happily married with a beautiful daughter who is the apple of our eyes. There has been no fire, earthquake or flood that has taken away our home. We do not have any new deathly illnesses that we are aware of at this time. Daniel still has both jobs, our cars work great.

I don't know why, but I am slightly angry that there are a few tears that have escaped my eyes and are streaming down my face. I know I am not a robot and God created me with these emotions, but I want to LOVE and be excited for everything He has given me. I don't want to be dissatisfied in any way. I want to totally trust and know that if the birthmom didn't choose us, that it's God's best for us, and more importantly for the baby. I know all these things in my head, now to convince my heart. It's not broken, my heart is in tact, just a little eye leakage, that's all. I think if anything came out of this, it's that I see I was not ready to give up the adoption. So, I don't know what's next. I am afraid to make any ridiculous statements like, "well, when I am 47, THEN we'll end it." Because then God would just laugh some more ... I will just sit and trust that whatever He wants for us, He will make clear, in HIS time, like HE ALWAYS does.

YIELD!

This is the day I want to take control of. This is the day that I want everything to go MY way. I want the birthmother to "pick me" and I want somehow to know that the baby will be born healthy. I want everyone to be okay. I want the siblings who watched mommy be pregnant these last 8 months to not have stress when she comes home from the hospital one day with no baby sister. How does all that happen? I mean, I don't know how old the other kids are, but if there are 3 other siblings, then that means that at least one of them is old enough to have somewhat of a clue as to what's happening. How could you not wonder what it means when mommy has a baby and relinquishes it?

I want the butterflies to leave my tummy ... butterflies is a "nice" term for the constant rumbling. I want to be able to tell Sonora, "PRAY HARD for a baby sister ... she is probably choosing right now!" But I don't want to example to her to pray hard for what you want. I want her to learn to pray for God's will and for the ability to not only accept it, but to love it! Like me, I want her to learn to yield. I want to be able to just flow with whatever He sends our way and be excited, knowing that all His provisions, or holding things back are indeed, a blessing.

I think her appointment was at 1pm today. I was praying then, and pretty much continuously all day. I don't want to wait until tomorrow to call to see if we "made it" into the top three or not. I want someone to call me before 2pm and say, "well, get the crib and carseat ready, by mid-June, you will be a mommy again. That's what I want. Instead, I will yield. I want to LOVE to yield my will to God's will. I want to enjoy, not endure.

Thanks everyone who's been praying for us today. I really appreciate the e-mails, facebook posts and texts. It means alot. Will let you know asap.

Cautiously Optimistic ...

At 11:15 AM, while I was at Mommy and Me with Sonora, I got a call from Holy Family Services saying that there is a baby girl about to be born, due June 17th, "would we like our profile to be shown?" I said, "We've wanted our profile shown for the last 5 years, yes, we would love a baby girl. I found out very little information about the circumstances. Birthmother is 39 years old and has other children, but does not have custody of any of them. No information was given about the birthfather, except that she knows who it is and thinks there will be no problem getting him to sign away his parental rights. She is not requiring visitation, just 4 pictures a year, which is ideal for our family situation. She does, however, want an identified adoption, where she is given our last name, which I don't have a problem with. She is open to meetings later, which is perfect for health history concerns!

Just yesterday, Daniel called me and told me he got his own route at the Gas Co, which is a SUBSTANTIAL pay increase in 90 days. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

Right now, emotions are high. I want to dive in with hope and hope and more hope. I want to be so excited and get the house ready and wash all the little crib sheets and get the bassinet out, all the stuff you do when you know your baby is only a month away. On the other hand ... the logical, realistic, almost pessimistic hand, I know that we may not be chosen, and even if we are chosen, things could change drastically, even after the baby is born. Birthmothers have 3 months to rescind with no questions asked. They have 6 months to rescind with certain exceptions. Birthfathers may reclaim a child up to one year if they claim they were never informed. Lots of "ifs" going around in my head.

It's a girl. We have everything we need ... Tressa said that we could have everything back if we needed. I haven't even taken down the crib yet ... was it meant to be? So many things would indicate "yes" ... especially the fact that we wouldn't have to have visitation and worry about Sonora's well being, or splitting up the kids. They can share a room, so we wouldn't have to move. Wow, I can't believe it could happen.

Yes, we let it go, but we couldn't bring ourselves to make the call to the agency and cancel yet ... maybe this is why!

Can you see why we ask for prayers? Does it make sense to you that we seek God's divine hand in leading us through this emotional roller coaster? We want to rejoice and be so full of faith that this is His plan unfolding so we can say to the world, "LOOK! Look at what God did?" Or, selfishly say, "see? I knew it, I had that kind of faith!" but in reality, I don't have that kind of faith. I have the kind of faith that says, "even if it doesn't happen, my God blesses me with everything I need, and more. I am satisfied with all of His provisions and am content with all that He has already given me."

It's not wrong to hope and let myself dream ... it's okay to wish and wonder what it would be like for Sonora to have a baby sister and for another little one to enter our lives forever. And it has to be okay to be disappointed if it doesn't happen, but not crushed. I know the plans that God has for me, to prosper me and to bless me. I trust Him ... baby or no baby.

Sad, but not heartbroken ... Letting Go.

I didn't think this is how it would "end" or that I would ever be writing this. I still am not sure of what God has in store for us, but, we are taking our first steps away from this adoption journey.

I have been feeling it for a few months now, but recently have been talking with Daniel about it on a regular basis. How can I do this alone? He is working 2 jobs and only awake about 2 hours each night when he is home. We can't build a family with those circumstances, though I know many have done so in the past and will do so in the future. I think that the difference is that we have a choice here, and nobody in their right mind would choose to be a single parent.

My fibromyalgia has been acting up, I am in pain alot of the time. That's not the main reason though. There is no "main reason."

When we began this adoption, during all the prayers, planning and contemplation, we agreed that when I turned 46, we would abandon the hope and move on. We didn't know there would be a Sonora at the time. I don't know if that would have changed our direction. We thought that me being 46 was a little late and a little unfair to a baby to start the family. Well, our family is already "started" so a HUGE part of me says, "keep going, you're already in it for the long haul."

Another reason for our hesitance is the possibility of visitation. We felt that an open adoption was the best choice for us and the way to go for our adopted child. That meant that no matter who the birthparents were, we wanted some kind of contact so our child would never have the looming questions and insecurities I did during all my childhood. We wanted the option for our child to know their birthfamily if they wanted. We wanted to provide visits if our child wanted. We wanted to have full medical information access as well. When you think about this and realize that there are many people out there that you wouldn't want to spend a holiday with, much less an afternoon ... imagine possibly having to do it for the rest of your life. Daniel and I, as a couple, were willing to open our hearts and home to a birthparent, grandparents, siblings. Daniel and I as Sonora's parents are unwilling to do the same. We don't want to split up our children for one to go to visitation, we don't want to chance having to bring Sonora to visit her siblings birthparents if they are "unsafe" people. Lots to think about.

Another aspect is finances. We were in a completely different place one year ago. We were living on a property where Daniel was managing 17 residences and a case manager for those families. We were living there free of rent and with a full paid salary. We were renting our home and getting an extra income. We were hopeful to not ever come back to the condo and someday buy a second home and keep the condo as a rental. A friend of mine, Rick Bernard, often says, "make your plans in pencil and hand God the eraser." Which goes in hand with the old saying, "want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans." We had a good run. We lived the "high life" so-to-speak for awhile. When Daniel got laid off in October, it wasn't just the loss of our main income. We had to move out immediately and pray that we didn't lose our condo as well. We went through our entire savings while Daniel diligently looked for a job. Thankfully, he got 2, but it still doesn't add up to the one he had and we are to put it mildly, "struggling to stay afloat."

I think of how people look at "Octomom" and judge her for continuing to bring children into the world when she has no means. Would we be any different? I mean, not the amount of children, but the part of not being wise and admitting our practical limitations to ourselves? If we got a boy, how could we get another home with another bedroom? I know they could share for a few years, but eventually ... and even if we got a girl? I mean, anyone who's been over lately knows, there's barely enough room for all of Sonora's dolls, let alone a real-live baby with diapers and formula and another closet full of clothes.

This is a choice. A conscious decision. I trust God that in stepping away from the adoption at this time, we are making the right choice. The right decision. For OUR family. He knows what's best for US. Obviously, Sonora was not a choice we were able to make, but she was a dream come true and God certainly knew what He was doing when He blessed us with her. We are not losing our approval for being foster parents. We do not know what the future holds, and the possibility of adopting an older child certainly isn't out of the question.

I am getting ready to give away all of the baby things ... the treasures I was saving for the unknown child, Sonora's younger sibling. I can't explain to someone who has not gone through an adoption what this feels like. I can't, in good conscience, compare it to a miscarriage after having been pregnant, myself, but I can compare it to the adoptive mother's version of a miscarriage. I know what it's like to get the phone call that says there is a baby and the extreme disappointment after finding out it wasn't meant to be. I went through all of that. Just because I ended up getting pregnant and having our amazing Sonora, it doesn't discount the fact that we prayed for THIS baby, this precious baby that we believed would come into our home and change our lives forever. We didn't all of a sudden forget about this baby when we were changing Sonora's diapers and when I was nursing her to sleep. I was planning to nurse this baby as well, and I was always saying, "what's it going to be like when the new baby comes? I can't wait to see Sonora as a big sister." This baby was a daily part of my life and in all of my dreams of our family's future. No, I haven't blogged about this baby for awhile now, but that doesn't mean this baby wasn't in my heart and part of my daily life. I will miss knowing and loving and planning for this baby. I don't want to say goodbye, but I feel I must. Daniel doesn't want to say goodbye either. He is still hoping, but he also realizes that if I "can't" do it, we "shouldn't" do it. We haven't called the agency yet. Part of me thinks that *letting go* is just a way for God to surprise us again ... just like He did with Sonora. I picture me hitting "save now" on this blog, and then getting a call later today that there is a baby girl waiting to be picked up! After the shock and awe of Sonora, nothing would surprise me anymore.

I am not happy. I am sad. I am not dissatisfied though. That's why I titled this "sad, but not heartbroken." I think that even before Sonora, I was not heartbroken. I always wanted to be a mommy. I trusted God even if it wasn't meant to be. Now, I am a mommy. Not the way I planned for sure, but better than I could have asked for, hoped or imagined. Isn't that God's way?

Two things that I just HAD to post because I know I will never be able to regain the feelings, and I don't ever want to forget them.

This morning, I had come downstairs to start breakfast and I heard a rumbling upstairs. Then Sonora yelled, 'MOMMY!"

"What is it?" I yelled back up the stairs.

"THANK YOU FOR WASHING SNOW WHITE!"

It took me a half a second to realize exactly what she was talking about ... the rumble sound I heard was her dragging and dropping the footstool in front of her dresser drawer so she could reach to see inside.

"Your Snow White underwear?" I shouted.

"YEAH! SHE'S MY FAVORITE! THANK YOU FOR WASHING THEM!"

Oh my God. I was smiling from ear to ear for the longest time afterwards. As I type this, she is leaning on my leg saying, "you have to join me for a tea party." I tell her, "in a minute" which I HATE saying to her all the time. I try to limit the times I say that. Now she is entertaining herself on the piano singing "Deep in the hundred acre woods ..." the Winnie the Pooh song word for word.

Anyway, the reason she is so excited about me washing the underwear isn't because I rarely do laundry, quite the contrary, it feels like it's all I do. Well, she has soooo many pairs of underwear, but there is only ONE Snow White pair. The rest are all the other princesses, Dora and Elmo. She goes through them but asks for Snow White almost every day and I have to say, "remember? you wore them this week already, they're still in the laundry, I haven't washed them yet." So now, her extreme gratitude for me washing them was so heartwarming, I HAD to write it down before I forget the feeling.

The second thing I want to write is that a few moments ago, after I helped her in the bathroom, we came to her room to put on new underwear and she had her sparkly leather, beaded hot pink flip-flops on. She was trying to put her foot in the leg of her underwear and she said, "it's too big" and I stretched out the leg so she could get her foot in and I said, I know you don't want to take these shoes off honey, here ... let me help you get your foot in." And she gave me a HUGE hug and said, "mama, you're my best friend in the whole world."

Tears. Many tears. I love her sooo much. I always have, even the moments when she doesn't think I am her best friend. Sometimes it's nice when on their own they let you know they feel the same way about you.

Snow Day Feb 28, 2010